At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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