You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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