Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
