Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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