He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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