I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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