Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
