just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
