She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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