and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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