i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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