I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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