A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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