It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
vagina is talking i cant
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
