woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
