There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
