I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
