It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize