She said her name was "party"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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