By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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