youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
