Already got asked if we're dating
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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