It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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