I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
