You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
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