My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
