well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
