He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
