Your face is a jimmy john
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
