why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
