I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
