the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize