i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
