dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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