oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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