so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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