New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
