i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
