Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My ATM looks so different sober.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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