he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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