I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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