You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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