I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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