Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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