So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
