I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
