Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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