we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
