I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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