I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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