You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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