Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
