I accidentally had phone sex last night
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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