Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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