I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You ruined the universe
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
