I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your cock deserves a montage
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
