I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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