you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
