apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
