Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
