So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
