Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize