I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
