There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
