"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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